5 Ripple Effects of Friend Wounds

Welcome back to our series on Healing from Friend Wounds! In Part 1 of this series, we discussed how having unhealed friend wounds can really keep Jesus at bay. (In other words, you can’t be as close to Jesus as it’s possible to be if you have unhealed friend wounds, because you’ll find yourself unwittingly keeping Him at arm’s length.)

In Part 2, we discussed 50 types of friend wounds that God wants to heal. Did you recognize any of those 50 types of friend wounds in your own life? For your own sake, I hope not—but we do live in a sinful world; and, unfortunately, many people have probably experienced quite a few of these types of hurts and wounds over the course of their lives.

Today, we are going to talk about 5 types of ripple effects that friend wounds produce in your life.

But first, what is a “ripple effect”?

A “ripple effect” in your relationships, habits, and psyche works just the same way as a ripple effect in the water.

If you stand on the side of a pond and throw a stone into the middle of the water, that stone is going to make a little splash when it lands and sinks. At the same time, however, the stone is also going to produce little waves. Those waves, or “ripples,” are going to go out in concentric circles starting where the stone hit the water, and continuing all the way until they reach the shore–where only the shoreline stops them.

Well, in the same way, when you sustain friend wounds (whether once or repeatedly over the course of years), you will experience that initial “ouch.” That “ouch” is like the splash of the stone hitting the water.

BUT, you will also experience ripple effects–negative aftereffects that keep going and going in concentric circles in your life. These ripple effects of friend wounds will continue to impact your life until the original wound is healed.

So what are the ripple effects of friend wounds?

In no particular order, here are 5 ripple effects of friend wounds that I have seen most often across many years of inner healing ministry:

1. You start to wonder if something is wrong with you that makes people treat you so badly.

Any unhealed hurt or wound will become a negative cycle, repeating itself over and over until it is healed. In other words, you will continue to attract the same types of people who will continually hurt you.

Therefore, when you get into this destructive cycle and people who should be your friends hurt you over and over, you will often begin to wonder if it’s your fault you are being treated badly. “Is there something wrong with me,” you may ask yourself or others, “that makes me not worthy of being treated well?”

If this is you, beloved, know this:

I don’t know if there is negative fruit in you or not (which would make people respond to you in a certain way that hurts your feelings), but I do know that every human being is created in the image of God and deserves to be honored. God’s Word commands us to honor all men.

As it says in 1 Peter 2:17:

“Honor all people. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the king” (1 Peter 2:17 NKJV).

Every human being should be honored. Additionally, every human being deserves kindness. Kindness is a fruit of the Spirit that we should all be bearing. And if people are not being kind to you, the fault for their actions is THEIRS, not yours.

We are each accountable to God for our own actions.

And even if there is something in you that needs to change, you are still not responsible for the way other people act. They are accountable to God for their own godliness (including kindness, love, gentleness, patience, always seeing the best in you, or lack thereof).

2. You lose your basic ability to trust people.

When people mistreat you and hurt you, over time you will probably find yourself losing your basic ability to trust. That sense of childlike innocence that tells you that you are safe in the world goes away. And you become wary, jaded, cynical, and closed off even from people who really do love you.

That is not a pleasant way to live. Unfortunately, however, it is a common result of being mistreated repeatedly for any length of time. Nevertheless, it is something that your loving Abba Father in Heaven wants to heal for you—and something He can heal for you, and can heal quickly.

When our Father heals you, He restores your innocence. He can and will give you your basic ability to trust back.

3. Particularly when people gaslight you, you may wonder if you’re losing your mind or your sanity.

When people accuse you of thoughts you never thought, words you never said, motives you never had, and things you never did, over time you start to question even your own awareness of reality.

In other words, you may know you never said, thought, did, or felt those things—but they keep telling you that you did! The accuser of the brethren keeps accusing you!

Over time, you may lose your will to fight back. They become so insistent in their accusations that you begin to wonder if they are right. You start to wonder if all the bad things people say about you might really be true after all, even though you have no recollection, knowledge, or awareness of ever thinking, doing, or saying these things.

Beloved, when you get to this point, red sirens need to be going off in your head.

If this is happening to you, you are being gaslit and manipulated. STOP right there and exit the situation. Get away from those people! You truly do need to get OUT of the situation immediately and get help from a neutral third party (such as a healthy Christian counselor).

If you are being gaslit or manipulated, beloved, know this:

You have got to get the lies people are telling you about yourself out of your head, because only Satan is the accuser of the brethren—and if people are accusing you, those accusations can only come from one source (accusations come from the accuser, and only from the accuser).

4. You abandon people who really might be your real friends, or who have the potential to be your real friends.

If you find yourself doing this, it’s often because you’re afraid to be abandoned yourself, and you’re afraid that your friend will abandon you. So, you abandon them first before they can abandon you.

Alternatively, you could also reject people who make overtures of friendship toward you. You may find yourself thinking, deep in your heart, “That person is being friendly, but they probably would just hurt me if I let them in and let them become my friend. So, I won’t even let them become my friend in the first place—and that way, they won’t have the opportunity to hurt me.”

5. You isolate yourself from people.

When your friends, siblings, and peers hurt you badly, you may find yourself developing this mentality of thinking, “I am an island. I don’t need friends. I just want to stay at home by myself.” Even if your heart really is crying out for friendship, relationship, and community, you are so afraid to make or receive gestures of friendship that you simply cut yourself off from other people.

Beloved, this particular ripple effect may damage your life more than any other. The Bible definitely has something to say about this. Look at Proverbs 18:1:

“A man who isolates himself seeks his own desire; he rages against all wise judgment” (Proverbs 18:1 NKJV).

When you isolate yourself from other people, you cut off your ability to receive so much help, healing, love, comfort, and wholeness. God didn’t create us humans to live in isolation. We need each other. And Christians are the Body of Christ; we are dysfunctional without the other members of the Body. When you isolate yourself, you rage against ALL wise judgment. In other words, you completely reject all wisdom.

Considering that the Bible says that wisdom is the principal thing we can obtain, completely rejecting all wisdom is DANGEROUS ground.

What’s the solution? Stop isolating yourself. Get help to heal from the friend wounds you have incurred, and not only can your heart be healed, renewed, and restored, but you can also begin to walk in wisdom again.

Beloved, these 5 ripple effects of friend wounds can destroy your life if you let them.

Therefore, please: in the name of Jesus, I beg you not to let them. Instead, receive healing from your Father in Heaven who knows you best and loves you most. If you will let our Father heal you, your heart will be made brand new–and you can find community, friendship, and joy in healthy friendships with others in the Body of Christ again.

Do you recognize any of these ripple effects of friend wounds in your life? Are you ready to be healed? If so, leave a comment below–and keep tracking with us in this series, for we are going to pray to receive healing from the Lord soon! In the meantime, be sure you have done your homework I assigned in Part 2 of this series!