He Didn’t Want Me To Have Enough

Friend, if you struggle to experience all God has for you–or if you have a hard time believing that God wants you to have enough–this word is for YOU today.

I want to share a mighty testimony of unexpected deliverance today.

Over the last few days, and I believe as a result of our corporate 21-day fast, the Lord has been speaking to me about how some things in my past affected me–things that I thought I had already worked through. But, we are like onions, and from time to time our Father decides it’s time to reveal a new layer. 🙂

I felt led to write this out for you specifically. I’m rather in a rush writing it, as I have an appointment in a few minutes. I’ll try to polish it up for you later, if needed. 🙂

Here’s what the Lord just showed me–and how He worked a miraculous deliverance in my heart that I didn’t even know I needed:

When I was very young, my family didn’t have a lot. I don’t need to go into detail, but I was very conscious of the lack of abundance.

We rarely went out to eat, as we lived off the land. We had big vegetable gardens and fruit trees, and we worked in the fields all day every day, 6 days a week, to live. We canned our vegetables and fruits and stored them in our root cellar, and we didn’t eat meat anyway. (I grew up vegetarian.)

So anyway, when we did get to go out to eat, it was a special treat. An amazing treat. And once in a while we would go to a certain Mexican restaurant, or a pizza place; but usually the only place we got to go–and even that was infrequent–was Taco Bell.

For those of you who don’t have a Taco Bell near you, Taco Bell is an American fast-food chain similar to McDonald’s (drive through, eat in, etc.). The food is extremely simple “Mexican” fare, which really isn’t Mexican at all. They serve small burritos, tacos, and other odd creations that have no roots in actual Mexican food.

Back then, pretty much everything we ate was on the $0.59 menu. That’s right: 59 cents. You could get a burrito, tostada, or taco for 59 cents. $0.59. The only expensive things I remember back then were taco salads and “Mexican pizzas,” for around $4 each. I never got those; my sister and I, as children, only got things from the $0.59 menu.

Well, remember that I said we didn’t have a lot. That is putting it mildly, too. And I was extremely conscious of that.

Well, one day, I remember that my family went out to eat at Taco Bell. The man who was my father figure was there. I was probably 6-8 years old. And keep in mind, I was a very active child who worked in the garden and on the farm all day. I was skinny-mini, and I ran everywhere because I was obsessed with running fast. I was a tiny, extremely healthy child.

Well, I remember sitting down at the little Taco Bell table before the food order was placed. And I remember thinking that I wanted to test my father figure, to see if he would let me have as much food as I wanted, or even more, so that I wouldn’t be hungry afterward.

With that in mind, I asked my father figure if I could have SIX things from the $0.59 menu. I had NEVER asked for so much before–I usually only asked for two things, as money was tight–but I remember often feeling like I didn’t have enough. And so I wanted to test my father figure, purposely, and that day I asked for SIX items. It was probably something like 4 bean burritos and 2 tostadas or something like that.

Well, I remember that my father figure–whom I loved and adored with all my heart–made a disgusted noise. I believe he said something like, “Are you sure?”

But I was, and I affirmed my request for six items, and so he went to order them with the rest of the family’s food. (Keep in mind that I knew I probably didn’t need six items and couldn’t eat that much, but I wanted to give it a try for multiple reasons.)

My father figure brought back the food and I began to eat.

I was a hungry child with an extremely high, very fast metabolism. I was always extremely skinny back then. And I was growing, and I worked all day in the outdoors anyway.

So I dove in, and I think I finished maybe 4 of the items before I felt full, and decided to take the rest of them home to eat later. I remember feeling extremely gratified that I had enough food, and in fact more than enough, even though I didn’t end up eating them all in that meal.

But then the bad thing happened.

We got back to the car, and my father figure was still angry at me for asking for 6 items from the $0.59 menu. And I remember this specifically:

He loudly and angrily called me a glutton.

Now, I was not a glutton at all. I was the opposite. I simply burned loads of calories, and I was testing my father figure for emotional reasons as well. (As in, “Will you take care of me? Is there going to be enough? Could I possibly have enough so that I don’t have to be hungry?”) And I still am not; I eat pretty healthy food, totally vegetarian and often vegan food, and not a lot of it, either.

But my father figure called me a glutton. Just for wanting to know if I could have enough food. Over a measly $0.59 x 6, which is not a lot of money. Even to them, back then, it was affordable.

Well, I’ve worked through that a number of times over the years. I’ve already forgiven that man for it, multiple times.

I thought I was over it, and completely healed. But since our recent 21-day fast, the Lord has been working me through some unexpected things. And He chose today to talk to me about this incident from my childhood.

Here’s what He showed me:

It wasn’t only the mean words that affected me that day. I have forgiven that man over and over for calling me mean things. But that incident went much deeper than that. Here’s why:

• My father figure was actually angry that I asked him for enough.
• To be more accurate, he was actually angry that I asked him for enough plus more than enough.
• And to be even more accurate than that, my father figure didn’t want me to have enough.

Wow.

That’s huge.

That’s big.

That’s a deep, big, big, deep, DEEP, big deal.

Because a big part of inner healing is recognizing that we tend to project, or cast, our experiences with humans onto what we expect or understand of GOD. And this man who called me a glutton for asking for 6 items from the Taco Bell $0.59 menu–this man who was my only father figure, whom I loved dearly with all my heart–he didn’t want me to have enough. He was angry that I wanted more, and he got angry when I requested enough and more than enough.

And this was food. And I was a child–not too much older than my little son right now, whom I love with all my heart.

Wow.

That’s deep. And that’s moving. And since I never thought of it that way before, that means this layer of the onion had the following impact on me:

• I have never thought to forgive my father figure for not wanting me to have enough and more than enough.
• I have never thought to forgive him for being angry with me for asking for enough.
• And I have never thought to forgive him for wanting me to be content with the meager.

And since I have never specifically thought to dig those thoughts out and forgive for those circumstances, that means I have by accident held the paradigm against God that my Father-Figure (God) didn’t want me to have more than enough.

This is a very deeply-rooted thing.

Again, I’ve dealt with father wounds over the years in layers, and would have told you that I was healed. And I believe I am–except that, today, God chose to show me another thing that was a father-type wound that I needed healing from.

So I prayed through to forgive him for the things listed above. Read the forgiveness prayer I always use here.

I felt tremendous release as I prayed. I actually was taking a shower as the Lord started dealing with me about these things; it was that quick. Less than 10 minutes, probably not even that fast. I prayed to forgive my father-figure, and I spoke and confessed to the Lord that:

• I know He, as my Good, Good Father, DOES want me to have more than enough.
• He DOES provide my every need in abundance.
• He is NOT angry with me for asking for enough, and for more than enough.
• He WANTS me to ask Him for more than enough.

And most importantly of all …

GOD, who is my and your Good, Good Father, LOVES for us to have more than enough, an abundance, everything to the full, and until it overflows.

I felt such joy and fullness–truly, an abundance of love–fill my belly in a deep place that I didn’t even know I needed the Lord to touch. I felt a tremendous weight of worry drop off me. And I asked God to confirm His work in me, if it was as important as it felt to me at the time.

And when I got out of the shower, all of a sudden my phone lit up. And one of our amazing readers had just sent the ministry an exceedingly generous donation of $1,000. (Yes, just today, a few minutes ago, and you know who you are and THANK YOU!) That was God, sending confirmation of how important this was.

And I knew I had to tell you about it.

But before that, I dug out this video and the Lord touched my heart so deeply. I put it on repeat a bunch of times and the Lord filled my soul with so much JOY. Watch it and put it on repeat.

Beloved, God wants you to have ABUNDANCE. He is not a stingy father figure. He is an ABUNDANT ABBA FATHER.

I hope this helps you today, too.

Love in Jesus,

Jamie